appassionato

could the answers ever satisfy in the face of all I can't let by

Rewrote the bridge off something that came to my head while in bed... still probably some more revisions to do before I perform this in April.

Psalm

do You, oh Great One, hear our tears
as we cry out in the night?
or have the long years left Your ears
deaf to our plight?

'cause it seems like these days
God is gone, God is dead
forgive us for the times
we've worshipped other gods instead

do You, oh Great One, hear our prayers
see us sing out with our all?
or are You standing back
to see how fast and far we fall?

for we all have sinned,
our pride has built these walls
God, forgive us for the times
our faith is far too small

we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord

do You, oh Great One, know what's wrong
see how justice is denied?
do You see how our children die
far too soon, without good-bye?

and if God is so good,
why does He allow
these things to happen to the ones
who fight to see Him here somehow?

we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord

could the answers ever satisfy
in the face of all I can't let by?
could we ever hope to comprehend
the meaning of "I Am"?

You're so much bigger than we'd like to see
much less comfortable than You could be
who am I to try and draw the lines?
You're so much more than I can define

I don't need to have the answers
I don't need to know it all
but will it be alright, will I be okay
if I don't know how to love You
today?

we must sing for we cannot keep silent

All I Need (Bethany Dillon cover, live 2/27/2009)

It was stressful. I just got told two days ago that I'd be needed to play this week after all, which ultimately resulted in me rewriting Psalm again, this time probably to more of my satisfaction. But there's no way I felt ready to perform it this time... so I finally settled on All I Need and You are on our Side, which was slightly rushed in that I decided not to play at all on that song. It was missing the epicness anyway without cello.

At the very last minute, I got it into my head that it would be awesome if we could involve Shannon -- she's asked before if she could perform with me, but there's just never been a good time. She's in band and is pretty good at percussion, at like 2pm today, I thought, hey, she could play tambourine. She thought of her shaker, which was a way better idea.

When we got there, at 5:30pm for soundcheck... there was mad chaos, nobody in charge was around, and nobody knew what was going on. Turns out there was so much that went wrong today... I don't think we started until well after 7pm, and I did my soundcheck in front of everybody there... oh well.

You are on our Side (Bethany Dillon cover, live 2/27/2009)

There were mistakes made, of course. Little ones here and there, most probably not noticeable to most people. I will never be satisfied with the way I sound when I sing higher up, but I am not singing to convince everyone of what an amazing singer... I'm singing because my God is mighty to save.

And that, I suppose, means that it doesn't really matter how good I am.

The rest of Bond was amazing. So much gospel and high-energy music; now I really want to join Testimony... I'm itching to be a part of a choir now.

we must sing for we cannot keep silent
we must sing for He gave us a song
we must sing for He has redeemed us
we must sing praises to our God

I don't understand the reasons why

Dear my muse,

I appreciate your recent (re)awakening, which I do understand is most likely due to my practicing hours upon hours of Prelude in f lately. While I have spent the last few years trying unsuccessfully to get you to speak up and sing louder at me, I am a little annoyed at your deciding to show up during a stressful week during which I should be studying, not sitting at pianos running after you and trying to catch on paper & mp3 what it is you're trying to say. I do appreciate you breaking into my drive to school today (less that you interrupted me trying to recite the functions of PTH and the risk factors for osteoporosis and the mechanisms involved), as well, however, please recognize next time that it is hard to drive and record myself singing at the same time.

Also, if it's not too much to ask, please give me some songs other than those that come out of the dark depths of depravity, and melodies other than those in F minor; I have more than enough songs in this key already, thanks. I could also use some happier songs, too, before people start thinking that I'm repressing some secret darkness within the depths of my soul.

Much love,
Prissi

I've got my back against a wall
but I'm too weak to call
or is it just my pride that's left me sinking in the sand?

I know You're holding out Your hand
and I've tried to understand
the reasons why I cannot reach out to save myself

we will wait for the Lord

Psalm - demo

I half want to call this Psalm 151 (if you weren't aware, there are only 150) because of how it turned from being a song asking why children die before their time (which I've seen & heard of a lot lately; it breaks my heart) into a sort of dark lament straight out of the Psalms. I was stuck with this song for a while before I finally came upon "we will wait upon the Lord", which is in a great many of these Psalms.

And I've always wanted to write a song asking "is it alright if I don't know how to love You today" -- it seems to me like we have so many praise songs declaring "Indescribable, uncontainable" and "how great is our God" and I agree with them, and I love them to death, and I love praise music probably more than any other, but what about the times when we don't know how to love God, or even if we can love Him, in those times when we feel alone and broken and let down and can't really see where He's going? These feelings are very very real and unfortunately our churches -- who are only human and fallible, after all -- have tended to steer clear of the dark and uncomfortable. I think somehow we've come into the perception that we make God smaller by challenging Him, but if you look at the Bible, so many times God allows us to test Him -- look at Moses, look at Gideon!! Look at David, the man after God's own heart, who wrote so many of the Psalms, both those praising God and those that are laments. God is still God, and is still very, very big, whether I believe in Him or not, and I can't ever hope to contain Him in any box.

Psalm

do You, oh Great One, hear our tears
as we cry out in the night?
or have the long years left Your ears
deaf to our plight?

'cause it seems like these days
God is gone, God is dead
forgive us for the times
we've worshipped other gods instead

we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord

do You, oh Great One, hear our prayers
see us sing out with our all?
or are You standing back
to see how fast and far we fall?

for we all have sinned,
pride goes before a fall
God, forgive us for the times
our faith is far too small

we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord

do You, oh Great One, know what's wrong
see how justice is denied?
do You see how our children die
far too soon, without good-bye?

and if God is so good,
why does He allow
these things to happen to the ones
who fight to see Him in this now?

we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord

'cause I know that You are with us, within us
and I know our nails pierce You too
give me faith for when I can't see You or feel You
throw away all I thought that I knew

give me strength to make it through the days
I don't know if I can love You
but will it be alright, will I be okay
if I don't know how to love You
today?

is it alright, is it okay, if I don't know how to love You today?

do You, oh Great One, hear our tears
as we cry out in the night?
or have the long years left Your ears
deaf to our plight?

Not bad for sitting down, hitting the chord that was beneath my fingers, and running from there. There is more, but I really love this part of it for how there's so much rhyming and play in the second phrase. Way dark, but I think this is me trying to write that song I've always wanted to write, about the audacity & vulnerability that we can have to come before God and tell Him that we're not quite exactly sure how to love Him today, whether it's because of something we did or if it's because of something that's wrong in this world... or whatever the reason. We always sing "come quickly, Lord Jesus" or "hear our praises rise to you" and "Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna in the highest". I love praise music with all my heart; it fills me like nothing else can, but sometimes I wonder why we hardly sing about the days that we don't really want to praise God. "is it alright, is it okay, if I don't know how to love You today?" I always wanted to turn this thought into a song. Maybe this time I finally will.

I did start this morning with a song in my head about breathing and how it's not fair that so many little ones are dying way before their time. It was an interesting contrast in my head, that hit me a little differently this morning as I thought about my two weeks on PICU: the little boy with asthma & the little girl with massive cancer, immune suppression, and a nasty mucor invading her face & nose. I saw both of them fight to breathe. I saw one of them be discharged. I saw the other put on step down because there was nothing more we could do. I heard the day after that she died.

may you find true happiness

All this thinking about what to do for Dr. Hadley's birthday (which so happens to fall on the Friday of the Pine Springs retreat this year, which means that much lol is to be had) reminded me that I've actually written two birthday songs before. They were both written in rush "oh my gosh, I have to get this done for... a few hours from now" flail. My favorite of the two is the lullaby.

Lullaby for a Birthday

may you always find that
you knew what was right all along
when you look inside

may you always find
a place of refuge in the eye of a storm
when you look to the skies

happy birthday
may this day bring you anew
a sense that your life is all it might be

when the road is veiled
in a haze of confusion may you find your way
when you look aside

when you close your eyes
may you sleep in peace free from worry and pain
all the days of your life

happy birthday
may this day bring you anew
a sense that your life is all it might be

happy birthday
may this year be all that you wished and you can dream...
may you find true happiness...

Filled

I know things
haven't been the same in a long, long while
I know this
hasn't been the sweetest time you've had in life

but still I
come to you today with all the love I have
to send you all the brightest wishes
you could ever have

happy birthday
may all your dreams come true
happy birthday
may all your days be filled

with the strength to make it through the nights
when you feel most alone
the patience so you'll make it through
all the things you do

happy birthday
may all your dreams come true
happy birthday
may all your days be filled

with the courage to find your way
when it seems that all's for naught
the wisdom to recognize
the lessons you must learn

happy birthday
may all your dreams come true
happy birthday
may all your days be filled

with moments to fill your soul
with wonder and with joy
with time to learn and time to breathe
in these seasons of your life

happy birthday
may all your dreams come true
happy birthday
may all your days be filled

happy birthday
may all your dreams come true
happy birthday
may all your days be filled, filled, filled...

oh for a night when everything's clear

oh for a day that I won't spend running
oh for a night when everything's clear
oh for a day to come when we're safe from harm
when these moments will be made clear

Still working on getting that... christmas CD out. I think this is year 3 or 4 of wanting to do it now... but I won't do it before I'm really ready.

so she builds a castle in the sand and fights to understand why it can't stand

I "finished" this back in May, after tossing the image of building sandcastles and having them washed away by the waves for over a year. I'm not entirely enchanted by some of the lines, but this one has been at least a year in coming. I just had to get it out now and worry about polishing later, when there is actually time... I had some other meaning and idea with where I wanted this song to go and I'm not sure it's there... yet. Mrrr. Haley had the awesomest thought for the last verse, though. I've had a chance to sit on it for a while and I am still not satisfied that I got to where I wanted to go with the image, unfortunately. I wanted simplicity and purity, but there's some bitterness here. No small surprise, as the image came out of a very painful period in my life, but. Mreh.

Castles in the Sand

sticky fingers, sandy toes
crumbs of bread left for the crows
buckets dripping, full of sand
her laughter in the air

smooth polished white stones, marble floors
bigger seashells for the doors
her fingerprints are clearly seen
in every small detail

and she builds a castle in the sand
then fights to understand why it can't stand
up to the waves that crash upon the shore
sweep all her dreams away
just driftwood
no one's left to take her to the ball

twenty-one now, how she's grown
the world is all hers, just to own
her dreams are laid in perfect plans
down to the last detail

so she builds her castle in the sand
and fights to understand why it won't stand
up to the waves that crash upon the shore
sweep all her dreams away
just driftwood
nothing left to hide her soul behind

the sand that shimmers on the beach
tells of slippers torn from off her feet
shattered dreams ground into sand
fairest of all, stolen from the ball...

and we build our castles in the sand
and fight to understand why they won't stand
up to the waves that crash upon our shores
sweep all our dreams away
just driftwood
nothing left, our dignity crushed
still...
the waves that crash upon our shores
smooth mistakes in the sand back into
a chance to start again and build it right

dreams are easy to achieve if hope is all I'm hopin' to be

Story of a Girl (Felicia Day cover)

So, over the past week, I've been introduced to the amazingness that is Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

Late to the party, as always, I know. The day after I watched it, I was singing My Freeze Ray all over the lab. It made making gels bearable. It's such a light and fun song. But above all, I fell in love with Penny's song, Story of a Girl, and especially in the light of the events of the past week, the lyric "dreams are easy to achieve if hope is all I'm hopin' to be" is beautifully poignant.

So I had to do it. 

for we know that You are faithful through the stillness and the storm

I remember furiously typing this up for Andi and John that morning before church. It was the first time I ever heard her sing, and I came away that day wondering just how she achieved such control and purity. Andi easily has the most beautiful voice I have ever heard in the world.

Dr. Stelling asked me to sing at his wedding reception this August. After much thought, I came back to this song again. I think it's especially beautiful because it acknowledges the fact that marriage is hard work, and that God is there in every single moment. I'm probably going to ask Dr. Basit to sing with me, since it just doesn't have the same fullness as a solo.

For the first time since 2005, Googling "Father, we commit to You" returned more than the usual nothing. Sometime last year, when Chell and Marc were getting married, it actually turned up a CD reference. But today it turned up -- and on the first page -- the instrumental.

Score.

Father, We Commit to You (Wedding song cover)

I initially figured on it being easier to learn from without vocals on top; I'd already worked out most of the song but being classically trained, I have an obsession with playing exactly the right note which is many times more trouble than it's worth. Time and time again I've noticed how people just make things their own and use ever so slightly different chords, but it aggravates me.

I'm learning, though, and it amazes me how nowadays I can sit down and almost just play through things in full weird-chordalia, and not just based on the melody like I'd always been able to. Like the time I sat down and worked out Holy in less than a few hours. And then I figured I might as well "practice" with this instrumental... well, I ended up recording the whole thing. And I'm strangely pleased with it. It's not every day that my high notes come out sounding decent, and on hardly any sleep these days... I'm happy. Some notes aren't as pure as I would like, but it's also not every day I can get a song to reasonable levels of perfection within a few takes. I'm making progress here, which is an amazing feeling.